Isaiah 61:1-3
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
for the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.
2 He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come, and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
3 To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.
for the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.
2 He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come, and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
3 To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.
As I started a new devotional book tonight, I prayed that God would give me the words to start this post. He never fails to give me what I need! When I prayed I asked him to give me the words that His people needed to hear. Those words flew off the page for me tonight...and went straight to my heart. I will share them with you and then share why they are so important to me and our family.
The devotional book I am doing is about John. The Beloved Disciple. Here is what spoke to me..
"John was free to love because he was so utterly (love that!) convinced that he was loved himself. We have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and the one who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him. 1 John 4:16." How differently would each follower live if we characterized ourselves above all else as the beloved disciple of Jesus Christ?
Amazing.... really amazing because it is an answer to a question on my heart for several weeks now, probably longer but only really nagging at me lately.
So what is the question?
The question is.....
How is it that a child can be so extremely hurt and damaged and disregarded so much that he cannot believe that he is actually worthy and loveable?
Our Levi works so hard..... he really does. We are continually, day in day out, working on building our bond and attachment so that it will penetrate him so deeply that he will only know our love.....and through that love he will know the love of the Father! To never ever- EVER- doubt that he belongs with us, that he is valuable, that he is smart, that he is capable, that he can make mistakes and still have supper, that we will love him even if he messes up and that we will Never Ever send him back!
We were talking yesterday and I realized that it has been 1 year since Levi started to share his life with us. His life of pain, torture, abuse in every form and the life of fear he has lived for so long. I am completely proud of and amazed by the perseverance this little boy has.
Only now, after 1 year, am I able to really see this life of his for what it is. Well what it was.... He was "owned" by his abusers. He has a bond with them that still haunts him to this day. We fight for ownership of this little boys life! I believe that God has his heart....
I believe that God has claimed him for his own.
I know God is at work....
We praise the Father who does all things well! We see the softening of Levi's heart. Before when he would get mad or not want to talk about the painful things it could take hours to get to a place of calm and conversation. Now we can see it unfold in a matter of minutes.... not only in his mind, but we can see his whole body soften, especially his face! His eyes begin to shine and sparkle and he is ready. He is beginning to 'reason' things out in his mind.... the "part of his brain that was not connected, because only the "fear and physical" part of his brain would respond, is now at work!!! Thank you Jesus! He is making strides. We see it and we see his feelings for us growing as well. We see this little "captive being set free" all because of Gods love.
I am going to be totally honest here....One of the things that I fear the most is that in my moments of craziness when I don't have any self control, my own behaviors will cause him to be afraid of me! What if one of the times I loose it and yell he totally thinks I am just like those who hurt him before? What if that time I was so angry because he flat out told me NO, I got into his face and actually spit on him while I scolded him. Only by God's grace can I walk away. He can push my buttons like none of my other children. It can be hard to parent a child who is so strong willed and so determined not to let you in.
While it is sometimes hard in the moment, I have to remember that he comes from a place where he never knew..... never experienced the love of a mommy who held him for hours because he was scared or hungry or sick. He has never known love.
He doesn't know how to love!
He just doesn't.
So the words from our Father tonight in my devotional answer so many questions and doubts....
My job is really very clear.
He needs to be convinced that he is loved....and then he will "love freely".
He needs to trust us before he can love us.
I am sorry but the truth is we cannot expect love to heal all of our adopted children's wounds and take their pain away. We all have good intentions, we are "idealistic and romantically" in love with the children God has for our family. But we cannot and should not, fool ourselves into thinking that changing the scenery and their wardrobe will magically be the band aid their broken hearts need. While those things are great these children have wounds that go all the way back to their time in the womb. Children from lives of trauma need to feel safe before they can love. Before they can feel safe and let their guard down, they need to trust you and THAT takes a long time. But it is so worth it!
Some of what I have learned....
love is more than a hug and kiss at night in a warm bed without bugs and predators
if a behavior seems strange to you... it probably is... ask questions!
evil people are more intentional about doing evil than good people are about doing good
for children who have been hurt in any way, safety and trust are what they desire the most
trust. takes. time.
being loved is not the same as being able to love
God has chosen the perfect child for your family and the perfect family for his child
never ever give up! you never know how close you are to a victory
you must accept the grace God freely gives you and then freely give it away
we are always learning
In His Embrace, laurie
p.s. did you notice our new gadget....more on that tomorrow!
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