Plan On It....... Part 2 Understanding

 

I hope that my words make some sort of sense as my mind and heart are flooded with so much to say...and not always being able to put that into words. 

I have to be perfectly honest and say that I really struggled with the "changes" in our plans over the past few weeks.  I just didn't understand.  I doubted my purpose in this adoption journey. I questioned my own ability to discern what God was telling me.  I cried out to God many many times asking 'why'.  Seriously, not just once, but many times. 

Psalm 86:6-8 NIV

⁶ Hear my prayer, Lord;
    listen to my cry for mercy.
⁷ When I am in distress, I call to you,
    because you answer me.

⁸ Among the gods there is none like you, Lord;
    no deeds can compare with yours.

I want to be very honest here! I want to share some of what I have been going through and what God has been showing me.  I do this out of obedience.  My hope is that you would see God at work in all of it now and in the future as more is revealed. All of the glory to God!  I am sharing part of my journal, parts that God used to bring me to this place of consecration and surrender. Really I have to surrender my Levi for the week. Leaving him (all of them) is now the hardest thing I have ever done!  Could it be that God is allowing me to feel a portion, just in a small way, how a mother feels when she surrenders her child to others.  A birth mother making the most incredible sacrifice...all for love.  All for LOVE.  Giving up and relinquishing control over the outcome of their life.  For me it is only a small fraction of or a glimpse into just a small part of the heart of an adoptive mother... well maybe I am off base.  Maybe I cannot compare the sacrifice of a mother that is for a lifetime to my 10 days away from my boys.  I don't mean to imply that my pain is as long lasting... or that it is equivalent to theirs.  I think it just may give me a better understanding of what it really means to surrender a child in every way.  When you can only rely on and depend on God's grace and strength to get you through each and every day and each and every thought about them.  I do get to come home and be their mom again.  AND I do want to be with my other boys "across the pond".  For whatever reason, the Lord has brought me to this place of surrender and obedience.  I don't know all of the "whys" and "what ifs".  However, I do know of another who endured that same pain of surrendering a child.  The pain that God experienced when He sacrificed His one and only son for LOVE.  For you. For me. For Levi. For David and Jonathan.  For all.... 

John 3:16 NIV

¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that

whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.



Tuesday, March 19th
From my morning devotional....

It was the sinful persecution David endured at the hands of the wicked that brought forth his cries for God's help.  Then David's faint hope to Gods goodness blossomed into full songs of rejoicing, declaring the Lord's mighty deliverance's and multiplied mercies.  Every sorrow was yet another note from his harp and every deliverance another theme of praise.

Psalm 30:11-12

¹¹ You turned my wailing into dancing;
    you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
¹² that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
    Lord my God, I will praise you forever.

Waiting on God and abiding in His will is to know Him in "the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings" Phil 3:10 and " to be conformed to the likeness of his Son" Romans 8:29.  Therefore if God's desire is to enlarge your capacity for spiritual understanding, do not be afraid by the great realm of suffering that awaits you.  The LORD'S capacity for sympathy is greater still, for the breath of the Holy Spirit into His new creation never makes a heart hard and insensitive, but affectionate, tender and true.

My notes that morning.......
Father God- you do all things well!  My head is full of confusion, well at least it was.  I am trying to understand the purpose in all of the recent changes.  You know me so well. You know my desires for planning and my lofty goals aimed at perfection. You know that I have a comfort in being in control.  I can see how that  won't be "good" for me.  Father God I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I want to understand.  Yet-those are the things that I see. Please forgive me Father! 

What I have learned......
I see things a bit differently now.  Somehow in my mind and heart I have sort of set myself "apart" from the sufferings and trials that are "worthy" of your grace.  As if I have some sort of ability or strength to endure these times without the help of and the dependence on the Father!  A little prideful?!  The reality is that He wants to use the wilderness to make me more like Him... to give me an understanding of who He is and How He suffered! Why would I try to hold on to what will only keep me where I am today when I can have more of Him and a deeper understanding of Him.  I am not saying I am not "willing" but I am saying that I am having a hard time letting go of my own understanding and perspective as I gain more of His!

Another word that keeps coming to me is wilderness.  Sometimes we are taken into the "wilderness" by God.  From another devotional  "God takes us through these wilderness times because He wants us to learn a walk of faith whereby, we trust Him for every step."

You see I had it all planned out... it wasn't going to be that difficult! I had EVERYTHING covered.  But my plans were not to be.  I had taken much, too much (complete) comfort in thinking that Levi would be cared for by his daddy while I was gone.  It was more than comfortable!

Philippians 3:7-11 NLT

⁷ But I gave up those things that were so important to me for Christ. ⁸ Even more than that, I think of everything as worth nothing. It is so much better to know Christ Jesus my Lord. I have lost everything for Him. And I think of these things as worth nothing so that I can have Christ. ⁹ I want to be as one with Him. I could not be right with God by what the Law said I must do. I was made right with God by faith in Christ. ¹⁰ I want to know Him. I want to have the same power in my life that raised Jesus from the dead. I want to understand and have a share in His sufferings and be like Christ in His death. ¹¹ Then I may be raised up from among the dead.

 

So where am I today?....

 

 I believe 100% with all my heart that God is using all of these changes to prepare me for what is to come next. I don't know what that will be or when it will be. But I do know that He has changed my heart once again. He, in his love for me, has changed my heart many times over the past 13 years since I gave it to him.  No one else loves like He does.  His love for us is far reaching and more than we can comprehend. 

Part of Chris Tomlin's song   Amazing Love 

Listen to it here

 

Amazing love,
How can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love,
I know it’s true.
It’s my joy to honor You,
In all I do, I honor You.

 

He has given me the gift of this trial and I am blessed in the suffering.  Now... the suffering is over. I am no longer wailing or face to the floor in tears. I am not even worrying anymore.  I am still somewhat emotional when I think about leaving my boys, especially Levi. (oh my how in the world did God protect him the first 4 years of his life when I wasn't in it?.... =) )   But in His grace I am able to move ahead and make the preparations for our trip. AND be excited to see my boys!  My sons who I will hold for the first time in just one week! My boys who will bring so much blessing, joy and purpose to our home.  The children God placed a desire in my heart for.  

 

I have been praying that I would be someone that others would say was "sold out for Christ".  That I would live every day on this earth "spent for God".  No doubt this is an answer to prayer and an opportunity to be continually transformed through the redemption of my life. My pride filled heart, my control issues and any other area of my heart that needs to be cleaned up in order for Jesus to fully reside there!  I know that He loves me for who He made me to be!  I am precious to Him.  Once I know this love how much more can I model and give it away to my children...and others!

I am certain that God wants me to not only surrender and accept His will for my life, but He also wants me to do it with a joyful heart. Wearing a smile when I tell of His grace and provision in my life.  Provision not only for me...but for my boys as well.  He wants me to truly "rejoice" in my sufferings. He wants me to follow where He leads me...in the valleys and up to the mountain tops. 

 

Philippians 4:4-5

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 

 

James 1:2-4

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

 

 

Through it all I kept seeking Him.  I spent time in the word, time on my knees and time in prayer. He tells us that if we seek Him we will find him... 

 I am so thankful for our God who never ever leaves us!

 

Rejoicing In His Embrace,

laurie

I will send out an updated prayer request list at the end of the week!